the cHApter concludes..

if it would have been easy, i more then likely would have learned nothing about myself.

WHat happened? .. ...hard to say. ..lets bounce around ...MillCreek Aid Station, i drop (literally) a cold LOnely collapse. no one i know or knows me within 1500kms, other then my pacer, whom i'd met just 8.5miles ago.. i had NO one (logic kicks in 'what if i push over that line and have to be hospitalized, theres no one here with me.' Poorly organized trip ended up with me driving myself alone 1500 kms to Utah, USA, attempt to race my first 100mile race with no support at Altitude (i live at sea level), then drive home the 1500 kms). REally!?! there's a flaw in this plan... and im anxious, i spend my last two days in Vancouver with hourly mini-anxiety attacks.. no fun. i just couldn't afford to have that 'fight to the death' mentality or perhaps i simply didn't feel the 'need' to prove that i had it. didn't matter. by that time i had no choice i was blank, shivering madly, internal organs spasming in intervals.. vertigo. cold. veRTIgo.. ah aye yaaaaa! . ... make it stOP! ...
.
..8, 9 miles ago i sat in a chair, the sUN WAs setting, i was in rough shape.. however .there was also light and 'hope'... a man who brought me to a chair and fed me, a beautiful woman who cared for me, kept me calm and on task, a handsome wise man with powerful words, a genuine belief in me . ..and an easy-loving, fast talking solid fellow who offered to pace me to the end. ..'yah.. PUSH THROUGH this, not a problem.. it all mental.. its mental.. is it mental?.. cramps..ouch, i've been sick for the past 12 hrs.
.. so what is happening and how can i turn this around. Heat. Altitude. Minimus and talus = blisters, ouch. I've had loads to drink, but my eating has slowed right down since the heat and the poops have come on.. WALK, i can walk…ohhH but its not helping, this too shall pass, im sure of it… slowly and painfully.
..
.( a computer malfunction and poof.. 3hrs worth of inner thoughts and writing, gone. why are lessons always taught the tough way. I thought i learned to save files ages ago when we first started using computers, i've been taking autosave for granted.. machine does more and i think less..)
..so again.
ha. rather suiting actually. i write this again.
.
im under prepared, my season lost focus when i jumped the gun to race the Expedition Adventure race. I don't have the mileage, i don't have the legs, i forgot about altitude, thought that perhaps it was simply going to be a mental battle. I wasn't prepared for it. I winged it and it showed. Why would i wing a race like this, the 2nd toughest 100miler in the USA next to Hardrock (so i've been told). ..perhaps to be humbled.
..
i know now, all that i can do is move on. REflect on my mistakes, be proud of myself for what i did accomplish (heck… i still ran just over 100kms of some of the gnarliest mountains). Stay positive and plan for the next.
..What is next?
I have no more races this season, and im feeling good about that. Back to basic, back to the buildup and next season I won't be loosing focus, i will strategically crawl through the Ultra World, find my place. FInd where it is i am needed, find how to make my impact, a positive impact in my Life and the lives of others. I will prepare properly and be ready for the races, ready for the distance. I will be kinder to my body, and do as i preach. I will take in and use all the great advice i've received these last few months. I will continue to work my way to the world stage. I will continue to build an Ultrabody, one that never quits, one that moves quickly and one that can inspire others to do the same, push through their own personal barriers that limit our worth and accomplishments. I am nowhere near my PEak, and thats a great feeling, i have the potential to be so much stronger then this :)

SO move on , i WILL. I bombed my first 100miler, and thats okay… i will try again!
The big decision now comes in how i will structure next years' season? I have a feeling that i should recruit good help to guide me.. to bring my 'I CAN DO ANYTHING!' attitude down one notch to a more realistic level and then have a backup plan for flexibility.